After over one year of celibacy, this is what I have learned.
How Brahmacharya has impacted my life.
When I first learned about Brahmacharya, I remember being daunted by the concept. Never in a million years did I think that I would be able to be celibate, abstaining from sex, for a whole year, let alone more than a year. I have come to learn that Brahmacharya goes beyond celibacy or abstinence, it is more about focusing on my own “path of righteousness” and living life according to what the Most High wants from me.
At first, abstinence was circumstantial. I had no prospects where I was living. Every person I talked to at a distance for the past year and change was wonderful in the beginning and then they ghosted me. Every. Single. One. I was upset by this, but then I remembered a prayer that I prayed, essentially stating that in times when my discernment wasn't where it needed to be, for my Spirit Team to protect me from people who would harm me or distract me from my purpose.
To be very honest, while I have not had penetrative sex, I have recently engaged in erogenous touching after over a year of non-sexual touch. In the wake of that encounter, I realized that the person I engaged in this act with wasn't as aligned as I thought. I guess hindsight is 20/20. What was different about this reflection, was that the guilt did not stay for long. I decided to revisit my values, my boundaries, and what over a year of celibacy taught me.
I invite you to read what I have learned thus far.
The first thing that I learned is that I gave myself away to so many undeserving people, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I often had sex because I was bored. I wanted something and someone fun to do. I wanted to experience pleasure because I had been through so many traumatic and hurtful experiences. I didn't realize at the time that I was swinging back and forth to opposite sides of the pendulum…and each side still caused me harm. In this pursuit of a dopamine hit amidst depression and instability, I often didn't pause to use my discernment and consider what were the costs of what I was doing.
I was able to differentiate other people’s energy from my own. For most of my life, I didn't have energetic boundaries. I was raised to believe that boundaries meant disrespect to the other party, but I was often the one that ended up disrespected. My weak (read nonexistent) boundaries became even more unhealthy when I started having sex. From the age of 17 to 31, I was consistently in some kind of relationship or situationship that involved sexual intercourse. About half of my life on this earth was spent in some form of energetic and spiritual entanglement with someone with a penis. I was searching for love and the approval/love of a man (read daddy issues) in all of the wrong places. While spending over a year in relative isolation, I was left with myself most of the time. Whether it be circumstantial isolation or voluntary solitude, what happens is that the energy, opinions, and thoughts of others naturally begin to fall away or fade away. Your true essence begins to grow and that is what happened in my case. My inner Divine Masculine finally came out to play.
Between limiting social media and other media inputs as well as abstaining from intercourse, I became more familiar with my own energy. My thoughts became clearer, the inner critic was no longer the loudest voice in my head. I have become way more compassionate and gentle with myself.
In spending more time with my own energy, I actually realized how precious my life force energy is. Yes, I am a sensitive being, but I actually learned that my energy is not intended to be poured into every hurting soul I come in contact with. While I do my best to have compassion and empathy for every single being I come into contact with, the medicine that I possess is not for everyone and everyone is not ready to receive it. I have also learned to view humans as “people not projects”. This shift in mentality has allowed me to let people show up as they are without correcting them or trying to make them better…because who am I to think that I know what is best for them? I allow people to be themselves and control what I can control, which is myself and how much of my energy people have access to.
Preserving my energy allowed me to come back to myself and take up space in my body. What happened when I took space and called my energy back? The veil was lifted. I started seeing things clearly. I saw people and situations for what they were instead of what I wanted them to be. The projections fell. The rose-colored glasses came off. It was like looking through the clearest piece of quartz. To be clear and honest, this was (and still is) an UNCOMFORTABLE and PAINFUL process. At first, my body felt foreign (after dissociating for over 30 years). I finally allowed myself to feel ALL of my feelings. The feelings didn’t stay long because there was no room for them as my essence filled me up. The feelings and emotions stay longer when they have space in the body, where there are voids + gaps( other people’s energy comes in or energy pools/condenses there) but through conscious breathwork, I’ve been able to clear out the old shit, transmute what is left, and make space for something new. My system has been upgraded and certain frequencies cannot even inhabit my being anymore.
I should only allow people to enter me if they genuinely care about my well-being and truly love themself. An ex-lover told me that my problem is that I had sex with people like I loved them (isn’t that how sex should be had?). I realized that me being loving while having sex made people addicted to my energy because they had not experienced that level of carnal embodiment and release. I was being used for my energy and it was called “love”. I believe that most of the men I engaged with were not conscious of the fact that they were draining me of my energy. They were using me to fill a deep void within themselves that, on the surface, seemed appropriate. It felt good to be with me. They experienced amazing orgasms with me. They used this shallow pleasure as an indicator of success when all along, they avoided the internal work. As I have said before, sing to the tune of Wannabe by Spice Girls “If you want to be my lover, you have to do shadow work!”
I have also learned that sexual intercourse or being in a relationship with someone should not leave you drained. If this is happening, they are literally taking your life force and not giving energy back. There is not an energetic exchange happening, but an energetic siphoning. I have noticed my energy levels when in conversation or when sharing physical spaces with people. I notice the people and places that uplift my energy. I notice the people, conversations, and places that leave my body feeling tender. I am more vocal about what I can and cannot do and who I can and cannot interact with, with little to no shame.
I will say that in no way am I telling you to stop having sex. I am saying that I see the benefits of keeping one’s energy to one’s self and being mindful of who can receive your energy, especially with such an intimate act that involves someone being inside of you or you being inside someone else. Sexual intercourse is powerful. We can easily take on and project the energy and emotions of others intentionally and unintentionally. We can confuse other people’s energy with our own. We can be distracted and lead astray from our path if we are not mindful.
This month in We Heal Too, we will be focusing on Bramacharya, and how we can use “continence”, “control of sensual pleasure”, or “behaviour which leads to Brahman (The Most High)” to enhance our spiritual and earthly journey. We will have daily prompts to help you focus your practice.
I also invite you to join us over on Patreon. Our 30 days of intention will be posted there as well as the monthly workbook, meditations, meetup links, and more.